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Restaurant Lobster Fare: Nearby Diners Beware
by Marjorie Dorfman
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Preparing lobster at home has its advantages, but unexpected repercussions can still occur as this true story will illustrate. One of my friends was married to a wealthy executive and about ten years ago he had a 30 pound South African lobster shipped in ice to his home. He instructed his wife to put it in a big pot and set the dining room table for 12 people. She did as he said and then went to her bedroom to call her husband and tell him that things were going according to plan. She was alarmed at the sudden barking of her French poodle, Antoine and the hissing of her Siamese cat, Ming. She looked up from the phone and saw two large feelers wiggling in the air and crossing the corridor in front of her bedroom. The cat pounced on it as if it were a mouse and the dog cowered in a corner, growling and barking at the shelled intruder.
She began screaming into the phone as she jumped up and down on the bed. What she hoped this would accomplish has never been clear. "Come home!" she cried. "It's mad at me and it’s loose! Runaway King Kong Lobster!" South African lobsters can be enormous. Like their smaller brethren, they must be placed in boiling water head first in order to die quickly and painlessly. The water in her pot was luke warm and the creature didn’t like being there. He (or she) lifted the lid with its weight and went for a stroll throughout the apartment. I’ve forgotten other particulars. It did get eaten in the end, but not without a lot of hysterics and tears in the butter sauce.
I opt for a future with a mutant lobster, a new breed that will make things easier for everyone who loves to eat them. First, they should be so fat that they waddle into the nets the fishermen provide. The loved ones left behind should be provided for until their "day of the net" arrives. They should have bigger guts and, of course, that means more of that green stuff. Softer shells would make it easier to get to all that great meat. (Will I like it as much if I don’t have to fight for it? Tune in next week, same time, same station to find the answer.) They should also have two tails because so much sweet meat is in the tail. Sometimes I order lobster tails. The meat is great, but it’s no challenge. There’s no fun in eating meat that doesn’t fight you back. Still, lobster tails can tell no tales of runaway crackers and dirty bibs. If they do, I try to listen and remain as generous as I can be. I still can’t, however, promise that I’ll share my lobster with you. I am, you see, very SHELLFISH!
Did you know . . .
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 "Our lives are not in the lap of the gods, but in the lap of our cooks."
Lin Yutang
The Importance of Living, 1937
"Talk of Joy: there may be things better than beef stew and baked potatoes and home-made bread
. . . there may be."
David Grayson
Adventures in Contentment, 1907
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